New Year New Meta!

wonderful weekennd

2009-06-29T13:31:00.002-07:00

I had a amazing Saturday afternoon playing with my niece at the Diamondbacks game. We went to the sand lot and played hard! So hard that after 2 yogurt samples and a kids corn dog my blood sugar was 106! I am so sore I can barely type!
It was good to be active, and good to be able to be active. I paid for it yesterday when I could barely move, but it was so worth it.
Her mom sent a picture of her completely crashed out asleep on the way home. It was worth every sore muscle to picture that sweet little girl running towards me with her arms outstretched asking me to pick her up. Yep, worth every sore muscle I have today.

bad day!

2009-06-24T14:33:00.003-07:00

So today I made a complete jerk of myself to a national organization. We are members of the Equality Federation and they sent a flow through message for us to share today with our members. Well, long story short, I totally RUINED it, and ended up having to have the national liaison for the organization fix it for me. Well, I was sooooo frustrated trying to get the message to launch, and it turns out that I was making one of the most ridiculous mistakes possible. Add to this that I accidentally texted the wrong people that I was running late, so I have some people paranoid they are missing a meeting with me, and have left others sitting in a coffee shop waiting for me. Well, I get up to leave to go to the meeting, after receiving a text message from the people waiting for me that I thought knew I was running late, and I am dizzy. Blood sugar: 53. Stopped cold in my tracks. Then I have to apologize to everybody, and tell EQFED that I screwed up because of my low blood sugar, pick up all the things I threw around the office during my temper tantrum and try to put my morning back together. It has taken me almost all day to get this sorted out. grrr...
Feeling better and back on track now at least.

I made it!I

2009-06-18T11:19:00.002-07:00

I made it through the dinner, through the anniversary, and I really got some closure on the entire situation. I feel like I have emerged victorious! I feel stronger, I feel like I have overcome a huge obstacle. I think I can do everything again. I have my tracking sheets from Dr Mona again, and I am ready to start doing positive things for myself again. I am ready to start taking care of myself again. It has been a long road. I can do this.

today is the anniversary

2009-06-09T11:54:00.003-07:00

Today is my one year anniversary of going into the hospital. Thank goodness I am really busy today and I can't dwell on things. This really messes with my mental health. It is such an odd anniversary. I am not sure ow to acknowledge it. Should I rejoice in being healthy? Am I even feeling remotely healthy? Should I celebrate what I have done in the last year? Feels like I have just stayed alive. Is that really a great accomplishment. Is it normal to feel like I wasted time? Should I cut myself some slack that it has taken me MONTHS to even feel a little bit better. I think I am just going to allow myself a bad mental health day.

feeling stressed

2009-06-03T14:05:00.002-07:00

Well, my average blood sugar is beginning to re-enter the realm of not sending me to the hospital. I have been averaging in the low 200's. Not good, but better than I have been in the last month or so. I am not feeling quite so dangerous. The anniversary of the hospitalization, along with the tremendous stress of job stuff right now is really wearing me down. I am going to chart everything for a good strong week so I have some good data to take to Dr Morstein, and I am going to make an appointment to see her after the dinner.
I think I might check in with a therapist too. This anniversary is messing with my head.

insanity!

2009-05-21T14:52:00.003-07:00

I am so overwhelmed I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I think I am having panic attacks. I am short of breath and my heart is continually racing. I don't even know what to say. I am going to spend this long weekend trying to get everything caught up. Everything seems SO HARD right now. boo.

completely overwhelmed

2009-05-19T12:07:00.002-07:00

I am really overwhelmed with work right now, I am really overwhelmed with life right now, and that I am DIABETIC. hello!!! Last night I think I forgot who I was, and how I am supposed to eat. I stopped on the way home at chik fil a and ordered a chicken nugget combo meal, that came with french fries. I ate it without a thought, and without even thinking about a shot before hand! I realized as I was driving away that I had done that. When I got home my blood sugar was 460! So I had a snack so I could take some insulin, and this morning when I got up my morning blood sugar was 180. It was SOOO weird, like I just forgot for a few minutes that I am diabetic. My brain just fell out of my head. This morning I have done well, and so far so good. I am really stressed at work, so I think that is keeping my blood sugar elevated no matter what I eat.
But I am overall doing a bit better I think. Except my apparent food suicide attempts. Everything will be under control soon. I am feeling clearer headed.

crawling out of the grief

2009-05-15T12:10:00.002-07:00

I am slowly starting to feel better. I am feeling like an actual person slowly but surely. I am starting to take a bit better care of myself. I am trying not to feel so stressed. I did have a bright spot. I tried a product that Dr Morstein recommended to make soda at home. I got a soda stream maker, and have been making my own diet soda with stevia and various extracts. It has been a bit of a bright healthy spot for me, and given me a fun little tidbit to steal my focus. It is fun to watch the fizzy bubbles.
I actually had a healthy and appropriate breakfast, and feel better today.
I think there is hope.

starting to see light again

2009-05-12T12:45:00.003-07:00

I am slowly putting myself back together. I still have to make an appointment with Dr. Morstein. I am having a very difficult time with grief. I am sort of scared to talk to her. I am in this very odd comfortable place of darkness, grief, and denial. I feel like if I talk to her, or anybody for that matter it will all be real, and somehow it all isn't right now. I feel like I am existing in this parallel universe somehow. It all feels strange and scary. But I have a few feelings of hope brewing around in there. I feel like some light might start peeking through. Hopefully there will be some peace in there too. Maybe it will help when I have finished picking up all the ashes of all the "chilgren" from the vets office. Just when I start getting the hang of my new reality I have to make another trip up there to pick up. Slow steps.

still dealing with everything

2009-05-11T07:01:00.002-07:00

Dr. Morstein suggested I make an appointment with her to learn about some homeopathic ways to deal with grief. I think I will take her up on it. I still feel like I am really struggling. I did finally go on Saturday and purchase some groceries, and that is helping me eat a little better. Trying to have any moment of healthy eating without groceries in the house is a big struggle. I know that I really have to start this plan all over again. I have to take care of myself. I just have to keep telling that to myself. I am no good to anybody or anything if I am not healthy, I just become a burden to everybody else. I think I will call Dr Morstein today and make an appointment.

dealing with grief

2009-05-08T13:36:00.002-07:00

I spent the past days miserable. We have lost three of our kitties in the last three weeks. It is beyond devastating. It has been difficult for me to take care of myself. My blood sugar has been through the roof, only the fear that shoots though my whole being when I get thirsty or something else I perceive as an immediate complication (like my foot hurting) snaps me back to an immediate frightening reality. Only then do I check my blood sugar and take my medicine. It is terrifying, it is awful, it is such a dark place. A little part of me feels like my heart hurts so much I don't care how I feel.

update

2009-04-29T09:20:00.002-07:00

I can't even begin to express how much my life is changing right now. I have been seeing Dr Morstein for a few weeks now, and my blood sugar has improved greatly. We worked on diet changes, which haven't been difficult, and also changed my insulin dosing. I am now following the law of small numbers, and have reduced the amount of insulin I take by HALF. All of these changes came about almost instantly. I haven't had a blood sugar over 200 in weeks now.
Even with some terrible personal developments that have sent my stress level through the roof (tow of our kitties passed away int he last 3 weeks) I have been able to keep my health in check. It is really amazing. Yesterday we traveled, and I was so worked up. I had not been on an airplane since my DKA in June. On some level I felt like the trip last June caused me to get sick, I was fearful of living through this trip. But I kept my blood sugar in check yesterday, and arrived safe and sound.
Visiting with my family is going to be a challenge, my mother is owns a bakery for goodness sake, but I have all the tools to take care of myself now, and I know that I can.
I'm not worried anymore.

update

2009-04-06T17:01:00.002-07:00

I had an appointment with my eye doctor this morning. I had to get a dilated eye exam to make sure that I have no diabetic damage to my eyes. If I got the all clear, WHICH I DID, I can follow up with Dr. Mona and start working on my new insulin schedule. I am SO excited. NO DAMAGE! My vision was 20/15 with my glasses, which means that my eyes are not worse than when I got my glasses, which means that the last year has not wrecked my eyesight as I had feared. The eye doc was right on track with what Dr Mona has told me, and was glad that Dr Mona had demanded that I have these tests today before we proceed. Dr Mona Morstein is my hero!
I get to see Dr Mona on Wednesday, and I can't wait!

work out

2009-03-16T16:25:00.002-07:00

I just finished my work out with James. I still get nauseous, but at least that is coming later in the work out. Dr Mona said I should tell James to add more weight since building muscle will naturally lower my blood sugar. Boy James sure took that to heart! I have been tracking my blood sugars for Dr Mona, and they are really high. I can't wait to actually start working with her. I am very impatient about this observation stage. I have to get an eye exam done so we know there is no damage before we change up my regimen. I am SO anxious to get started! For now, I will go nurse my sore muscles and try to recover from today's workout. I worked out so hard my underpants fell down. Thankfully my pants stayed put, but it is very odd to feel your underpants go rolling down your belly. very discouraging. but I worked out hard, that belly is going to go away!!
Since I am charting my health, I should chart my workout too.
Weight: 227
Sit ups on the evil bench with the 10 pound ball: 75, without ball 25
Jumped rope for 10 miuntes (with breaks)
Evil step, with 10 pound weight: 200 times
frisbee weights forward and side, 3 sets of 20
squat with frisbee weights, 3 sets of 20.

Amazing Doctor appointment

2009-03-12T16:42:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I had the most amazing doctor appointment with Dr Mona Morstein. She gave me all my statistics so I can post them here and track them openly. So here goes.
3/11/09
Weight: 223.6
% Body fat: 44.3
total body water: 40.5%
muscle mass: 118.2 pounds
lean muscle mass rating: 3
lean muscle percent: 52.8%
daily caloric intake: 2895
estimated bone mineral mass: 6.2 pounds
visceral body fat: 10%

The appointment lasted over 2 hours and I have never felt so thoroughly understood by a doctor in my life. I took away one life changing tidbit about diabetes. high blood sugar + dehydration= keto acidosis. She said is is very simple! At that moment, all the incredible fear I have felt for the past year absolutely melted away. That was the most liberating moment of my life. Since June I have been terrified of a return of DKA. I felt like I was walking through land mines every day, just praying that the apple I just ate, or the drink I had wasn't the one thing that was going to send me back to ICU.

That ONE dot of information made me feel powerful and in control.

This week I am to observe my blood sugar, and chart everything I eat. I have homework to read, and a few supplements to begin taking. My first order of business is a dilated eye exam to make sure I don't have any eye damage before I begin a new treatment schedule.

Even though I am only observing, I feel powerful and in control in a way I have not since last year. I absolutely can't wait to get past the observing and get to the doing. I feel like I am a rusty machine that is just barely starting to move again. Wow, it's exciting.

working out is painful!

2009-03-09T13:30:00.002-07:00

I have done SOMETHING physical every day since my last workout with James, I did yoga on Wednesday and Thursday. I cleaned house of Friday. I don't care what anybody says that counts as exercise. On Saturday I went to the batting cages and then did dance dance revolution, and had a fun afternoon at Fiddlesticks. Very active. Well, I didn't do anything but recover on Sunday. So that was a tiny fib earlier. Today I am scheduled to go see James this afternoon, and I know it is going to hurt. It is hard to tell if this is all fibromyalgia pain caused by activity, or just plain old "I worked out hard and now my muscles are sore" pain. Either way it hurts. I feel a little stronger, and I sure was proud of myself for hitting so many softballs. I hit almost 40! I am feeling really sporty! Who knew?

No pain, no gain

2009-03-03T17:49:00.002-07:00

Wow I am hurting today. My workout yesterday kicked my behind six ways from Sunday. I can barely life my arms. I did a bit of light yoga this morning, trying to stretch everything back out. My blood sugar was still very high this morning, and I have had to take insulin twice. I know this won't all change overnight. I have to learn patience to let things start working.... Maybe that is one of the lessons I am supposed to learn from all of this. Sometimes it is frustrating.

work out for body and spirit

2009-03-02T16:49:00.005-07:00

I have had a few workouts with James since my last post. I have been embarrassed to blog about them. But I am trying to think of everything positively. At my workout prior to the butt kicking I received today, I started crying in the middle of it. I felt weak, I felt scared, and it was not very fun. Thankfully James is wonderful, and we had a little therapy session and I continued. I have been so upset by that, I finally figured that everything is coming up on the anniversary of my trip to ICU. I am doing the same things that I did at this time last year, and I am on a paralyzing thought path of, "did that make me sick?" Fear was my big reaction, I cancelled my appointment with Dr Morstein, I took a week off from James. I hid.
However, today, I walked into the light, I worked out so hard that my tummy hurt, and I rescheduled my appointment with Dr Morstein. My weight is completely out of control, but I know it is because of the amount of insulin I am taking. I feel like a rusted up machine, slowly trying to start working again. I know it is all connected, the more I work out, the better I eat, the less insulin I have to take, the better I feel. I KNOW that is how it works, it is so difficult to follow that path. Why is everything so scary right now?

2009-02-06T14:11:00.001-07:00

I had my first meeting with James, and I am only now able to move again. He totally kicked my behind, and that was just the evaluation tests. I really hope I can stick with all of this, and really be able to make a difference in my health. I have been eating like I have a death wish. Why is it that sabbotage is so easy? How can I make my health a priority instead of absolute fear? I fear this is going to be terribily difficult.

2009-01-31T09:47:00.002-07:00

I had my first meeting with James last night. It was fantastic. We did all of my measurements, which was mildly humiliating. Thank goodness James is so kind and wonderful about that process. I really might have had a nervous breakdown with anyone else. We did the first round of strength tests and even that kicked my butt! My tummy is sore today. But I feel great. I just need to stop eating like I have a death wish and I will be on the right track. It is hard to do everything right at the same time. I will get the hang of it. I am excited to set goals and get working. I am nervous that James is going ot post all my measurements for the world. Talk about accountability!! Thank goodness for James!! I am so excited for this journey.

meeting with James

2009-01-30T11:15:00.002-07:00

Today is my first meeting of the new year with James at Alternatives. I have worked with him before, but I am nervous about today. I feel super fat and jiggly with all the water I have on my body. That impedes my movement. I feel like a giant gross sponge. I have heard and read that insulin makes you gain weight, I don't feel like I have actually gained weight, it feels like water. I feel all sloshy and gross. I hope James can help with that. I think I need to see my doctor and see if it is time for another round of meds to help lose the water. Am I just making excuses because I am freaked out about exercising? We will see how today goes. I am excited and scared! But I trust James, so I know it will go well.

pushing through

2009-01-20T13:27:00.002-07:00

I sent my email to James at Alternatives to make my first appointment for training. I am very proud of myself.
I am mortified from standing on the scale. I almost threw up. 213 pounds! Before I went into the hospital I was 173, that was my lowest weight since I was 16 years old. I was so happy the first time I saw a number beginning with 1, instead of 2 or even 3 there for a while. I feel like a complete failure before I am even getting started.
My blood sugar is all over the map today, high this morning, then total crash before lunch, and now I am sure I ate too much for lunch and I am in for another dose of insulin this afternoon. Great, more insulin means more water weight gain!! Can working with James counteract this? Can Dr Mona help me not have to take so much insulin? Does this happen to everybody? Oh gosh! What if my weight isn't a result of water gain!! I can't even think about it!!

I am scared of exercise

2009-01-17T15:43:00.002-07:00

I have a confession to make. I am scared of exercising. I have been scared ever since my incident in June. I had been working out regularly until my trip to the hospital, but I haven't broken a sweat since then. Somehow I am scared that exercising or exerting myself will make me sick somehow again. I know it is a very odd connection to make but my brain is associating those things together. I am almost scared to pick up the phone and call James to get started. I am scared it will make me sick all over again. But I feel terrible and FAT and bloated and depressed. I hope exercise can help all of those things. I know they can. I will call him.

getting started

2009-01-15T15:25:00.003-07:00

I don't traditionally do new year's resolutions. But I have decided to turn my eyes forward and look towards a year of good health. 2008 was a real eye opener for me. I learned you could lose a bunch of weight (I have lost over 100 pounds) and still not be healthy. In June of this past year I spend a week in ICU with a complication from diabetes. I almost lost my life to a fairly common complication of which I had never heard an utterance. I thought I was doing everything right, being "healthy," but I wasn't. I am spending this year discovering what it really means to be healthy in mind, body and spirit. I have a group of people ready to assist, I know I cannot do it alone. I know I can't. I am still very angry about having an illness that absolutely controls my life. I am deeply saddened that I feel like this was preventable. I am humbled that it was not my time to leave this earth. I am thankful that I have the wonderful support of my beautiful spouse. I am terrified that I will end up in the hospital again. I am determined I won't. Health. I will find out what it means. I will attain it.